It’s not only what you say, but how you say it that matters. Words are powerful tools in all aspects of life, and they are often under-utilized in the bedroom. Maybe it’s because you’re shy, or you’ve internalized messages that disempower you when it comes to sex, or maybe you’re just not sure how to start. Here are some suggestions to help you say the right words to put your partner over the top.
1. Know what you want
Forget everything you’ve ever read or seen in movies about sex. Most women don’t have orgasms from penetration alone, that’s just not how our bodies were designed. Whether you’ve had a talented lover or you’ve had to figure it out on your own, only you really know what you need to be satisfied sexually. And if you don’t know, it’s time to figure it out. Do you have a fantasy? Let it play out in your imagination until you know exactly what both your and his roles are. Once you know exactly what you want, you’re ready for the next step.
2. Ask for it specifically
One reason men appreciate when their partner talks dirty to them is that men are very visual. They become aroused easily by imagining a visual image. You can use this to your advantage by helping them make a connection between the mundane and the erotic. Lorae Lauritch, sexuality expert, says use guy-speak. For example, “I loved watching you wash the car, seeing how attentive and lovingly you caressed its chassis. I can imagine your hands slowly and lovingly washing my body in the shower making sure all my “parts” come out gleaming and polished.”
3. Get comfortable using whatever words you choose, whether they’re G rated or XXX
A common misconception is that you have to use “dirty” words, or words that may make you uncomfortable. According to Sex Expert Betty Martin– that’s not the case. “Often it just means ‘please be explicit in telling me what you like and how good it feels’. This is not always easy to do since we often don’t know what we like, and we’re embarrassed to say it.”
Martin says there’s a secret. “Start small. Ask for one small thing that’s relatively easy and you’ll grow from there. For example, ‘Would you scratch my back? Right there, oh yeah…’ Once you know how to ask, it expands naturally from there.”
4. Paint a picture with your words, whether it’s to help him make an erotic connection or to verbalize a secret fantasy
Sometimes we get tripped up by not knowing how to say what we want to say in bed. Dr. Deborah Anapol has this suggestion. “Being comfortable talking dirty means being comfortable using explicit terms for own and your partners (ahem… private areas) and the fun things you can do with them. Find words that appeal to you, whether these are familiar words from childhood, words drawn from other cultures or other languages, or from books, films, and pornography. Practice using them in private until they just roll off your tongue.”
5. The Fail-Proof Phrase
If you still don’t feel comfortable or aren’t sure what to say, try this: “I want you… now.” These four simple words will bring him to attention immediately. Best of all, you can expand on the theme by telling exactly what you want him to do… now.
Another reason sex talk is so erotic is that it lets us be someone else for a little while. In stepping outside our normal roles, we can be liberated. Novelty fuels eroticism, and one of the benefits of talking dirty according to the Goddess Judicci, a Sex Educator, is that you can verbalize “Images from our most intimate and vulnerable fantasies in an honest no-holds-barred manner.”
Judicci explains, “(You can) substitute the “proper” politically correct words that you know you “should” use in polite company, with the ones that turn you on the most – the words that get the juices flowing. If you speak those words and start to feel a rush, a blush, an animalistic roar inside your body, or you let out a giggle or a moan – and you see the intensity of your partners eyes or pleasure increase … you’re on the right path. Keep going, keep talking – set yourself free!”
And last, but not least: have fun with it. If you need help with other ideas to put the sizzle back in your relationship.